Father's Day

Interestingly enough, a few days ago I had a conversation with a friend of mine from church in regards to my family. The actual family I have, uno the ones in which I am genetically part of. She asked if I was close to my parents, and I explain no. Things have not been ok with us for years, we haven't had a pleasant conversation in 11 years. Not to mention, they don't know my children, etc.

She asks me why? Well, I tell her, that's a very good question. One that doesn't really have a logical answer. I just explain that there are some people in life who hold grudges. Some people, despite themselves, can never understand the ramifications of their actions on others. I tell my friend how my little brother and I have recently (in the last 3 years) became very close. That I feel we have a pretty typical brother/sister relationship. Despite what our parents feel about me, my brother chose to make his own judgement. For that, I can never thank him enough/.

To avoid the negative talk of the craptastic relationship I tell my friend. The most important thing about my father are the few things I do remember that are positive.

1. He loved Music.

We would sit on the porch swing and listen to 'Bad Company', 'ZZ top' and other awesome classic rock. He and I connected here, and I don't feel that anyone in his life connected in this aspect with him.

2. He loved the outdoors

I have many good memories of camping and gold panning, hiking and swimming with my father.

Regardless of my dad's judgements on me, and my feelings about him, and those judgements, he does possess a few good things. The best part of this?? My husband possesses the same. He Also loves music, to the same extent that I do, and he also loves the outdoors. His dreams are to work in the wilderness, where he is all he wants to be.

I continue to tell my friend I am so grateful that the few things about my father I did get, because I was able to chose my husband who possesses those same things. Jeremy however, does not have the part of my father that led us to not speaking for 11 years. Thankfully.

My friend continues to inquire about specifics. I say, Uno, when it all comes down to it, regardless of the circumstances, it's done. I no longer mourn the loss of a father, because I never truly had one. I stopped mourning the lack of a mother years ago. I told my friend, I prefer not to talk about the nitty gritty details.

The point of this blog, perhaps to say

Dad, despite everything, I have learned from you. While a majority of these lessons were things that remind me what not to do, it's still something. Thank you. thank for your love of the outdoors, for the love of music. These positive qualities I am reminded of. Yesterday, driving back from the lake, through the trees, a deer crosses my path, and 'bad company' plays on the radio. At this time, I am brought back to some memories that I have seem to have forgotten.

I am reminded today by the smile on my children's faces, and the glow of my husband that today is father's day. The day to honor the man who does everything in his power for you. My sweet Jeremy is the hardest worker, he supports me going to school while he works endless hours, often out of town. He loves us. Unconditionally. Something I cannot say about my own father. But I am PROUD to say about husband. The father of my children, the reason for my successes, and my supporter, my cheerleader, and overall a damn good man. Thank you Jeremy, for being everything my father wasn't to our children, and everything good that he was to me. There simply are not words to express the depth of my love for you. <3

Will we be sucessful in our children's eyes?

This is something that has been resting heavy on my mind a lot lately.

When my children are 30 (27, and 23 respectively), will they know that mommy and daddy worked hard to make treasured memories. Do they know how much thought I personally put into attempting to create these memories, and how important to us it was that they looked back on their childhood with happiness and not disdain?

My questions are.
1. Do I create enough positive, wonderful memories for my children?
2. Is my planning actually done in vain? Because positive memories are not made by the parent, but rather....facilitated accidentally?
3. Is it a combination of both 1 and 2?

My positive childhood memories are few, most of them are entwined with my best friends. I remember pretending I was a mermaid for hours in the pool with Megan. I remember putting our dolls in a stroller and taking them for walks. I remember getting ice cream from the ice cream truck. The cessation of contact with my parents that occurred 11 years ago definately was not without cause, but I won't deny there weren't some positive memories.

This, of course, makes me hyper sensitive to the ideas around my own children. Are they going to remember that one time that mommy got really frustrated because they were fighting all day and yelled, or, are they going to remember the time we sat in the dark when the power went out and played 'who am i'? (a game we created together), perhaps they'll remember camping at Sample Meadow and playing Frisbee in the valley, the love, the kisses, the 'I love you more then all the stars in the sky, more then all the sand on the beach, and more then all the trees in the forest'. Perhaps .. just maybe Quinn will remember that I'm 'his girl'.

Now that I got all mushy, I ask you ... do you feel that you as a parent (or even those without children, do you and our spouse or significant other) create enough opportunities for positive memories? or .. do you feel that they will just create themselves?

I think, it's a combination. You cannot micromanage every facet of your life and expect happiness to occur, sure, that planned trip to Disneyland, my kids will likely NEVER forget. But .. I think an immense amount of happiness comes in spontaneity. So .. perhaps the answer to my questions is that you should as a parent or loved one, seek out good opportunities to offer memory making moments, but, you should not be afraid to embrace the memories that occur without planning.

Madison, Quinn, and Sawyer, mommy hopes every day she gives you all the love, care, hugs, guidance, and support you deserve. :) Love you all, more then all the trees in the forest. :) <3

Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig

This might not turn out to be a 'silly' blog as the title indicates, but that little tune has been playing in my head for the last three weeks.

My family and I just moved home. To some, it's no big deal, and to others, like myself ... I didn't know how much home was a part of who I am, the literal fiber of my being, until I left.

A little under a year and a half ago my husband's job relocated us out of town. Part of me was excited. A new place, new faces, new things. I thought I was one for adventure. I have lived in this area of California for all of my life. Not in this town per se, but in the area. Jeremy and I used to dream about moving to Alaska, moving ... somewhere, and at times, we really thought anywhere would do.
Those of you who have lived in a small town must understand. People know your buisness. Perhaps more painfully, you run into people constantly, and it seems those days you really want to just run to the store to grab milk, you're stopped by 5 people. The feelings of anonymity are gone. This used to bother my husband much more then I, he's far more anti social then I. However, I can attest to internally heavy sighing when I'm really in a hurry.
Anyways, back to our journey. Not only relocating but moving into a 'city' (which is really, a small town, outside of a larger town). This area did have a few perks, the grocery store was 5 min. away (this included strapping all the children into car seats), and the kids often had neighbor kids willing to play (this was a mixed blessing). The perks were small in comparison to the less appealing parts. The first was the medical care. (For those who know the story of my sons birth, you understand). Second, was the people; the whole time I was there I only made two real friends (I am sure part of it was my lack of going out every day to the 'big town', but I simply do not have the time, or money for that social effort lol). Lastly, the original idea of our moving (that my husband would be home more) backfired. Instead, he began working out of town. The kids and I saw him only 48 hours a week. This lasted for about 11 months. ELEVEN MONTHS! talk.about.lonely.
Without going into to many boring details, the point at hand is that we did not like this town. We dreamed of home. So much so, that my husband bought me a picture that made me think of home. When my husband's job confirmed he would stay in this job position (working out of town), we saw it the opportunity we needed to move back home. That way, I wouldn't be by myself all the time (w/o family or friends to support me, as I raised our kids practically alone). Additionally, when he came home from working, he could come home and be happy. ( I should add, that since coming home, my husband has been home every night, changes in job regions, lets hope its permanent).

So...... here we are. Not only did we move home, but we bought a house at home (good luck moving me again!). I cannot explain the extent in which we missed it here.
I sit outside on my 2.3 acres of land, MY LAND, and watch my children play, no sirens, no gangs, no people in a store flashing gang signs at my husband because he was wearing blue. Instead, I garden (something I have never done, but am taking immense pleasure in), I hang my laundry on the cloths line while my toddler picks me 'fowa's' (flowers), and my older kids play soccer or hide in their 'fort'. Today, I sat and knitted while my husband and the baby talked about trees and grass and 'fowa's', and my older two kids ran around pretending to be secret agents, exploring with an old pair of binoculars. Every morning I get up and I open all the blinds, never afraid of who is looking in my home (as no one could see!), I teach my kids school under the bright sun that shines in the window, and we all eagerly look forward to 'recess', where we can all be and feel free outside, in our wonderful mountains.

I really thought I wanted something different ... something better, but I know realize, and I am sure my husband agrees, different isn't what we really wanted, and it surely wasn't better. Every day he and I discuss how much we love our home, our life, and each other. God is so good.

Tollhouse ... I missed you ... and now, you're stuck with me! ... apologies.

"Growing up"

Well, in T-minus 15 days I will be 30. :) Am I grown up? I don't know, am I?
Lots of things have happened this last week.
I found a home for my grandmother. What a weight of my shoulder's. I find myself however, swelling in my own mortality when i'm around her. I find myself very scared of what will happen if I end up like her. I cannot imagine being caught inbetween like she often appears to be. Between what is 'normal' and this 'abnormal' place, where you cannot remember the people who love you, you can only remember certain memories. With my granny, it's often bad memories, of abuse and heartache. Please God spare my children from witnessing this from me. :(

On a much much lighter note, my husband and I are officially homeowners!!! We're very excited. We have something to call our own. In about 6 weeks we'll be moving, AND i'll be graduating. 2010 is surely shaping up to be a pretty amazing year.

Holy Sheep Batman!!

What a WEEK! I have intended to post my pics of my wetbags and things much sooner, but simply have not had the time. Here's why (if ya wanna, it's ok if you skip it :p)
1. I got a clogged milk duct, nearly made it's way to mastitis I think! I had a low grade fever for two nights, and it just knocked me on my butt! I was so tired I could not teach school one day. I was literally exhausted stirring the batter for biscuits, I had to take a break and rest my head on the counter. (no lie)

2. Once I felt better, Sawyer busted in with a fever. He's cutting molar's, so I assumed it was related to that. Well, Friday night his fever was so high that tylenol AND motrin were the only way I could get it down. He has also been on this 'party all night' kick where he'd been staying up till 10 or 11. (infringing on the only time I have to do school work). So, between him being ill, and staying up VERY late, I have had no down time. He was ill all weekend. Thankfully, Sunday night the fever was gone for good, and he's on the mend.

3. I had a paper to write that, as mentioned above was not being written during its allocated time, so I had been using mommy down time errrr nap time, to write it.

4. So, after a whole week of feeling awful, or dealing with a child who felt awful, the end is here! However. I got a call from my grandma's nursing home (for those of you who don't know, I am her only family, I facilitate everything for her). They determined she needed to be in less care. So, a downgrade from skilled nursing, to board in care. I'll spare you all the rants of how ill it makes me that our country cannot care for its elders adequately. So, I spend all of Friday on the phone (quite literally) working this out, or rather trying to. Some progress has been made though, thank God.

5. We are moving home here in a few months, and have decided to start looking to buy a house, as opposed to continue renting. Shockingly, we found one we liked. Last weekend my fabulous in laws went to look at it for us, and we are going to look at it this weekend. As well as go deal with social security and a bazillion other things with granny while we're in town.

Phew, that was a mouthful huh? Ok .. so the kitchen wetbags are AMAZING. Like I expected anything else from kelli. I simply love her. Also, she is going to make some custom trainers for little man because he's so anxious to use the potty :)

Here are some pics!!!

Here is one of them (they're the same)


Another pic :)


All put away :)


And... just for fun. This is what Sawyer thinks the pocket is for :)

Every week, 75 ....

abortions occur in the county we live in.

Seriously. Seventy Five. Seriously.

Sat outside our church this morning to see the sign with the statistic.
Surrounding this sign were 75 wooden crosses marking the lives lost.
My
Heart
Is
Broken.

After three grueling years of infertility, miscarriages, and heartache, we got our third child.
THREE YEARS! I endured fertility medication, hormonal hell, and once we WERE preggo, we lost her. Then.... we did it again, after the same drugs, the same hormonal hell, and daily progesterone suppositories, we finally have our son. (God, I love him!)
And 75 women a week walk into a building to have their bodies desecrated (some not knowing the true long lasting affects). I am sad for those babies, and I am sad for those 75 women as well.

I think, that we as a nation, at least those of us that are pro-life, as my family is, that we just want to label these girls as young, immature, stupid, or many other adjectives, that are likely very hurtful, and probably far from the truth.
Giving them this label makes US rest easier at night. By making them out to be monster's or evil-doers of sorts we rest assured.
However, it's the girl next door, the next pew at church, in line in front of us at the market .. or God forbid, a sister, a niece, a cousin a DAUGHTER!
While I do not approve of abortion, I do not approve of chastising those who have done it. God calls us not to judge as they say, those who live in glass houses, shall not throw stones. Right?
As wonderful Pope John Paul II (God rest his soul) Said
"We are NOT the sum of our weaknesses and failures, we ARE the sum of the Fathers love for us, and the real capacity to become the image of his son!"
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?! you ask?
At the end of the day, our God does not look at us as a marred individual, but rather, as his son or daughter. What a patient and amazing God we have.

So, for those of you who read this, thinking I was going to bash abortion, you're wrong. I am not approving the act of abortion, nor am I approving the act of judging those who make that decision.

Instead, lets think of those 75 babies, and those 75 mothers, and perhaps, 75 fathers too. Pray for all their souls, that they may find peace, and healing beyond this event in their lives.

I know that's what I'm praying for.

Please, this is not a debate...i'll disable comments if it becomes that way :) Just a mysti, rattling off some thoughts.

Kitchen Cloth

Wowza two blogs in one day! Had to do it ... had to share.

I may not be the perfect housekeeper, but I am a HUGE germaphobe! This is a precursor to this nasty story, be warned.

We use cloth products, no consumable paper in our kitchen (aside from cereal boxes and the like). No paper towels, no sponges (except the trusty magic eraser), no napkins, no paper plates. I use 'kitchen cloth'. Most all I have made myself. My napkins and paper towels are flannel, or flannel and a print for the prettiness factor LOL. I make crocheted dishrags out of cotton yarn for scrubbing, no sponge could dream to scour as well as all cotton dish rags.

Anyways, the story. Most people who use kitchen cloth, have kitchen wetbags, that is, a bag that is made of PUL (polyurethane laminate), a plasticy type fabric that prevents moisture leaking (all you cloth diapering mommies know what I mean, as we use these to store dirty diapers in our pails, or on the go!). Often times these kitchen wet bags are paired with a decorative fabric to look cute. They often hang from your stove, and come complete with a zipper to store these 'used' wet dishcloths, paper towels and napkins until you can wash them. I do not own a kitchen wet bag (yet). I put all my towels and things in the hallway with the laundry, and wash about .. every other day as a family of 5 and a cloth diaper mom, laundry is the never-ending chore. So, the other day my beautiful baby boy decided, yet again, to dig through my laundry basket at the end of the hall and dig out my used dish rag, he was dragging it around the house, washing the walls. I was so disgusted, it was slimy, gross, o.m.g. I almost had to run to the bathroom to vomit. It was then, that I decided NO MORE. I MUST get a kitchen wetbag.

So .. my DEAR amazing friend Kelli from 'TK Cuddlers' (find them http://hyenacart.com/tkcuddlers/) Had a 'coming back to work' special. (she just had another AMAZING little girl, and is returning to her sewing machine!) So, I bugged her again for another custom. She's such a good sport. I have not one but TWO hanging kitchen wetbags coming - made out of a beautiful strawberry fabric (to match my kitchen, of course). I'll post a picture when they get here.

The days of Sawyer raiding my laundry pile for the NASTIEST piece of laundry he can find is OVER! Kelli, thanks again friend.

(ps, kelli makes amazing diapers, go check her site out!)