She asks me why? Well, I tell her, that's a very good question. One that doesn't really have a logical answer. I just explain that there are some people in life who hold grudges. Some people, despite themselves, can never understand the ramifications of their actions on others. I tell my friend how my little brother and I have recently (in the last 3 years) became very close. That I feel we have a pretty typical brother/sister relationship. Despite what our parents feel about me, my brother chose to make his own judgement. For that, I can never thank him enough/.
To avoid the negative talk of the craptastic relationship I tell my friend. The most important thing about my father are the few things I do remember that are positive.
1. He loved Music.
We would sit on the porch swing and listen to 'Bad Company', 'ZZ top' and other awesome classic rock. He and I connected here, and I don't feel that anyone in his life connected in this aspect with him.
2. He loved the outdoors
I have many good memories of camping and gold panning, hiking and swimming with my father.
Regardless of my dad's judgements on me, and my feelings about him, and those judgements, he does possess a few good things. The best part of this?? My husband possesses the same. He Also loves music, to the same extent that I do, and he also loves the outdoors. His dreams are to work in the wilderness, where he is all he wants to be.
I continue to tell my friend I am so grateful that the few things about my father I did get, because I was able to chose my husband who possesses those same things. Jeremy however, does not have the part of my father that led us to not speaking for 11 years. Thankfully.
My friend continues to inquire about specifics. I say, Uno, when it all comes down to it, regardless of the circumstances, it's done. I no longer mourn the loss of a father, because I never truly had one. I stopped mourning the lack of a mother years ago. I told my friend, I prefer not to talk about the nitty gritty details.
The point of this blog, perhaps to say
Dad, despite everything, I have learned from you. While a majority of these lessons were things that remind me what not to do, it's still something. Thank you. thank for your love of the outdoors, for the love of music. These positive qualities I am reminded of. Yesterday, driving back from the lake, through the trees, a deer crosses my path, and 'bad company' plays on the radio. At this time, I am brought back to some memories that I have seem to have forgotten.
I am reminded today by the smile on my children's faces, and the glow of my husband that today is father's day. The day to honor the man who does everything in his power for you. My sweet Jeremy is the hardest worker, he supports me going to school while he works endless hours, often out of town. He loves us. Unconditionally. Something I cannot say about my own father. But I am PROUD to say about husband. The father of my children, the reason for my successes, and my supporter, my cheerleader, and overall a damn good man. Thank you Jeremy, for being everything my father wasn't to our children, and everything good that he was to me. There simply are not words to express the depth of my love for you. <3